Feburary 16th, 2023
Today I scewed up big time, so like two weeks ago I asked a girl out to a school dance, she said she didn't like me back when I confessed to her and I felt pretty bummed out about it. Anyways today we had this thingy where all the choir kids would sing to people you paid money for. So I did and they sang to her in one of her classes today, she was super embarrased and I kinda felt bad. Afterwards when school ended she pretty much told me off through Discord and also said she completely hated choir and was super upset about it (I had no idea she hated choir) and I was kinda feeling very low like never before. But I talked it out with some mutual friends and a little better. Also my friend today showed me this platform and wow I love venting on the internet it made me feel infinitely better than how I felt a few hours ago.
Feburary 17th, 2023
Today I feel way WAY better than I felt yesterday but I did feel a little stressed earlier while thinking about the situation yesterday. Today I organized my room quite a bit and it's super clean now, I've just gotta work on my desk so that everything's nice and tidy. My friend invited me to a modded Minecraft server and it starts today which is pretty exciting. I haven't seen the mods yet but I guess it makes it more exciting that it'll all be a fresh experience. I'm also pretty hyped about a website I'm making for my school, it's a portfolio about my projects in one of my classes. So far I've got some really simple css with just the font and some colors changed. I've got all the files for that website on my hard drive. And what another website thing I'm excited about is my personal website I'm working on, it's seperate from this website and hosted someplace else (still keeping it anonymous tho).
Feburary 18th, 2023
I FEEL AMAZING LIKE NEVER BEFORE. She is basically over all of it and I went to my grandad's house today. We talked a bit and I got his new dogs to trust me some more. I also played some Minecraft with my friend today we spent over 4 hours playing and we just did some grinding in our modded server. I also got a bunch of progress done on my little personal website. Oh and back on the topic of her getting over it, I still have a tiny feeling of guilt because she got super embarrased and I feel like I executed all of my plans terribly. That's all for today.
Feburary 19th, 2023
Today I want to vent out some more. So I was in this one group and after all of that happened she also kicked me from that group chat on Discord. And basically I had no idea until today I was resummoned into that group by another friend. And I scroll back to see what I missed and see two messages "Why'd you kick him? He's our friend" by one of the other friends and the one who kicked me said "Not anymore" and my heart sunk, I've never felt such an emotion before it felt absolutely horrible and even though I thought we were all over it and we all probably still are, the thought of knowing that was going through her mind just made me feel terrible, even worse than I felt a few days prior when she told me off. I had a big urge to cry but didn't because my brother was home and I don't want people to see me cry. I still feel like crying at the time I'm writing this and I just want to stop being lost in my thoughts, so I'm going to think even more and play video games until my problems are gone.
Feburary 20th, 2023
I feel trapped. Trapped in my own mind lost in thought. It's like I am always thinking about stuff but I've just distracting everything with other things. Like when I played Beat Saber today, I LOOOOOVE Beat Saber SOOOOOOO MUUUUUCH. I played quite a bit and improved my performance quite a bit, I used to be good and then I stopped playing for a few months and kinda sucked, but today I started climbing up the skill curve and I'm feeling prety good. And I also played some Halo Infinite, only problem is that it runs like trash on my Linux system. I wish I could be playing some Halo 3 on Halo the Master Chief Collection but 343 industries hasn't gotten around to enabling anticheat support for that game yet :((.
Okay I'm writing this later today and I had the listened to the most eye opening song EVER (My Way by Frank Sinatra) and this quote is what hit me "For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught". I feel amazing. It opened me up to the idea that I can find beauty in everything in life. And also the more directly from the quote that if I don't have myself then I might as well have nothing so I'm going to start on accepting myself and others and trying to be the best I could possibly be. And after thinking that I saw another quote that went along the lines of something like "We are born just to suffer and life is meaningless" and then another person saying something like "You give your own life meaning, do what you love and love everything". Or something like that it was a Soyjak meme but the message still got through to me.
Feburary 22nd, 2023
SORRY I FORGOT TO WRITE ON THIS YESTERDAY, I'll talk about yesterday first and then I'll talk about today afterwards. So yesterday I had school and nothing really happened, I talked a bit with the girl that was mad at me, she's not mad at me anymore so that's really cool. At home though I watched the new Puss in Boots movie I liked it a lot and I might rewatch it today with my brother since he didn't get to watch it. Anyways today we had a little lockdown during school so basically an outsider called and said there was an active shooter when there wasn't actually one so we sat in silence for an hour straight, we also had all the lights turned off and it was pretty scary. It wasn't scary though when it ended and the police officers told us what happened and then the rest of the school day was just filled with us not doing any work since most of the students were being picked up by their parents. And my wrist kinda hurts from gaming on my Steam Deck during my classes lol but other than that I've felt really good today :D.